This is a post about me, my right now.
I took a break, or some may say I broke, maybe it’s both? life got in the way or maybe it was a lack of life? Who knows, either way I needed to stop.
Writing and putting this book together has not been easy, I dug down deep and pulled out memories that had long sank to the bottom, I sank to the bottom to retrieve them and almost didn’t make it back to the surface, I lost my dad, I lost my mind, I lost my love and at 6:30 am one Saturday morning I almost lost myself, forever.
I wanted to sleep, I wanted to be something else, I wanted to be someplace that wasn’t here. An escape from everything and everyone, the blank faces I called my friends and the hollow space love always left. I didn’t want to love, I didn’t want to see the light, I didn’t want to live.
Being in a relationship while writing this book was so strange, I found myself weaving new threads into it from the present, merging them in with the past, shaping and changing the book I once knew. Each new fight, every new smile mixed with smiles long-lost from my face, old and new as one. Like most things in life though it just didn’t work out no matter how hard I tried, no matter what new angle I viewed it from or how many coats of plaster I put on the cracks, it all just stayed the same.
I ended it, he left, and it became winter, my book became my truth, I had been creating it from poems of the past and suddenly I was living it and it was all so familiar, the same routines, same 4 walls, same emptiness and the ways I’d try to fill it.
It all just stopped.
Frozen over and cold, I’ve been reaching out towards every ray of light that’s broken through the clouds ever since, in hopes one will lead me towards spring.
I’ll find my way, I always do but for now this is my truth.
Standing on the edge of my winter.
Just one leap away from the beginning of something better.