Time passed, the space between us in bed got smaller, my heart got warmer, but my mind was still out of the game. We lost some pieces of the puzzle in the rebuild and as hard as I tried I just couldn’t find them. Love existed but my mind wandered, I became vacant and mentally distant and I began to stray, I guess it was my age, the fact I had been hurt, I made a profile on a gay website and began seeking compliments and attention, it became my secret vendetta, my escape from the prison that our small apartment had become after the war. In some silent way we were still at war, so much so young and if I’m honest we didn’t really know each other, we would argue, stupid shit, trivial, but back then it felt as big as the world itself, endless nights of walking out to cool off down by the river, I remember walking alone in a state of silent desperation, we had argued and I just couldn’t do it anymore, he came to find me and as soon as I saw him I broke, he broke and our worlds fell crumbling back together, head to head we cried, we cried for what was lost, we cried for what we knew we had and most of all for what we wanted in the future, we loved each other, we really did and despite his and my mistakes he was all I really wanted, the attention was great, but it was nothing more than that, these guys wouldn’t hold me while I cried or put me back together again and I knew that. I played with fire because I needed to win, I needed to prove to myself I was desired and wanted after been torn down during the incident with my ex. I never told him about the gay sites, but he did find out and I did get burned, I deserved it, I stooped and became just as bad as him so in some twisted way we deserved each other, we deserved to be unhappy together because we both needed to learn the hard way. I can say I regretted what I did because I truly did but only because it made me just as bad, I became what I was trying to overcome and that’s what I regretted the most, I was a hypocrite.