The Water’s Edge

sometimes we hide behind fake truths, am I faking my truth?
Right now as a single gay man I am loving life, I can have casual sex and just leave the next day without any attachment, extra baggage or even a name, I have no one to answer to, the whole bed to myself, no petty stress or arguments, pretty much single bliss as I’ve always been quite selfish and I’ve always loved my own space, however I can’t help but wonder, if I am so content in life right now then why can’t I stop wondering where he is? When will I find him? What will our wedding look like? How old will I be? Does he even exist? Am I lying when I say I’m ok being alone?
I can’t shake the feeling that I am running out of time, relationships take time, hard work and patients, I have wasted so many years already with the wrong men and I kind of feel that I am living my life in reverse to everyone else my age. I tried to be an adult at the age of 17 and lost out on my early 20’s playing grown up in the city while my single friends were out most weekends in my home town, I feel like now I’m 27 and single all I want to do is party and live life while my friends are getting married and having children. I know I am not alone and I’m pretty sure there are others who feel the same as me, but I just worry that it just may not happen for me. Right now, I have only been single for about 4 months so being single is still pretty new and I know that I’m not lying when I tell guys that I’m just not ready to date right now, I just don’t want to burn out before he finds me. I was talking to a friend last night and he warned me not to stay out of the game for too long and let bad relationships stop me finding something better, he’s been on a break from men for three years now because a guy tore out his heart, a guy I know well, a guy I asked to marry me once. I wont stay away for long, I know that because I never do and that’s kind of my problem, I settle for the wrong ones, get washed out to sea by their promises and sob stories, I find fragile little birds that I think I can fix and stubborn bulls that I think I can break but I just sink further under the waves until I end up washed back up on the sand. For once though I’m staying on the water’s edge looking out to sea, safe, dry, waiting, hoping the next guy has a life jacket.

2 thoughts on “The Water’s Edge

  1. Give yourself a break kid, stop measuring your current situation in life against those around you. Once you’ve done that you’ll find freedom to be yourself and be a damn sight happier. You’re an intelligen beautiful boy and he’ll show up when the time is right (as cliched as that is.) You’re not missing out on anythin. Be you, be amazing, most of all be happy.

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