Diary Entry 1 – doubts (age 18)

 

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Hello, my little blue book, I’m scared, the day is cloudy and dull all the clouds are glowing with a dark rain filled centre, the trees are still bare and the lady across the street is having her flat cleaned by cleaners, I am watching bored out my window, back to why I am scared…

As much as I don’t like being here, my home town, I’m afraid of moving back to the city, it’s not that I don’t want to leave because trust me I do, it’s just leaving everything once again to then maybe not be happy and feel like I am trapped fills me with fear, to feel caged, just like I do now sometimes, like I can’t quite stretch my wings out far enough to feel relief. I think a lot of the problems and thoughts stem from being apart from him so much that I’m starting to get used to being alone again. I want to feel like I did back at the start so bad, that summer when I couldn’t do anything but smile and the sun never left the sky, before the hurt and the pain, before all of this…but I am trying. Trying is all we can do.

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