I frustrate myself so much, I want people around me, yet I turn them away, I guess I can’t deal with the questions right now, so I hide away until everyone forgets why I disappeared in the first place, I just show back up like nothing ever happened, like I never left, and the truth is most folks don’t really notice. Sad really.
I guess people can’t know what I haven’t told them though so does that mean I should tell everyone? No, that just means I have no core friend group around me to be my inner circle, my support mechanism and when the police and Nurses asked if I had support, the lies just flooded out so easily, “yes” I said, “my friends and family are around me”, I didn’t even tell my granddad who I live with and stay in fear that police will come to give me news or pick me up while he is around, forcing me to explain what is happening even though I told them he knows. I haven’t not told him out of something negative more so to protect him, he wouldn’t know what to do with the news and would say all the wrong things and right now I don’t need that, not that I’m truly sure what it is I need. Maybe another holiday? I’ve already coloured and cut my hair to distance myself from the situation, decided against drinking and stepped away from social media. I have done everything but talk about it, I don’t want to talk, I want it to end, I want the police to close the case and then I want to move on. Nurses think I should have some therapy and say I can’t cope with something like this alone, but that’s exactly how I cope with things, on my own, me myself and I because I am always convinced that no one will understand anyway, people don’t know what to say to me and there isn’t really anything they can say and that isn’t their fault, I don’t blame them so I don’t tell them, that way it doesn’t really matter.
Having friends is amazing until shit hits the fan, who are the ones that turn up on your doorstep unannounced just to hug you? Who are the ones that call out of the blue to talk about your day to keep you occupied? And who are the ones that pretend like nothing happened and just change the topic or talk about themselves? Or forget you exist all together? Recovery from trauma has many layers, and you may face decisions going forward about who you allow into your life, you will face the physical and mental exhaustion that comes with the trauma itself as well as questions to ask yourself about decisions you made and how you run your life, you will think about the people around you that help you along the road of recovery, questions in regards to those that turn away and you may find yourself well and truly transformed as a person by the end of it all. One thing that will happen though and maybe this is the best of all, you will more than likely end up finally surrounded by those who do and will always truly care for you.
Remember this, you are never alone. There is always someone there who will be there for you regardless whether they are the people who you expected would be. Embrace your right to talk about it as difficult as it may be and confiding will help you process, it is never your fault and you are not to blame, stay safe, stay strong and never let the actions of others hold you back from life.