I wrote about him and then deleted it all.
Everything I had written just felt so irrelevant when I read it all back and I know my book and blog are full of the irrelevant, but I’ve never wanted to delete something as much as I did today.
Delete the words, delete the guy.
My mind is so cluttered with discarded fragments of so many people, I just don’t have the space for him. I’m so tired of tripping every time I try to take a walk through my brain.
Falling over fake words, disappointments, bad sex, fuck boys and sordid affairs has kind of been my thing lately though I did cut the affair strings, not out of regret but for my own sanity, I didn’t want to be his fantasy escape any more, there to greet him at the door half-naked. I deserve to be someone’s everything and not just someone’s object and yeah it felt nice laying naked wrapped in his arms but I couldn’t shake the knowledge that they would be wrapped around his man’s waist when he got home… I’ve been someone’s lie before and it’s not what I want to be. I need someone who is willing to fall in love with my mind not just the ink on my skin or my feline eyes, someone who is excited to wish me good morning and show up when they say they will, equally I need to be into their mind too, see the spark and feel the butterflies and if I’m being super honest, no one is really doing that for me, or at least no one who is actually available or interested in me.
10 months single and I’m ok with it though, scarily so in fact. I’m happy.
I’m actually terrifying myself lately because it’s not like me at all. I haven’t been single for this long in years! And I’m talking like 11 years! I guess I’m just tired of wasting time on the wrong kind. I’m getting too old to keep getting it wrong and I just haven’t got the energy to work a second job!
Am I any wiser in getting older? Nah, not really but I can live with that. I know what I want, I know what I am worth and I’m patient.
So yes, today I deleted the words I wrote about him, tidied up his corner of my mind and let the debris fall from my eyes, I guess he just didn’t make the cut.
P.S I know I haven’t written in a lifetime and for that I am sorry. I promise I’ll do better.