It’s been forever since I just wrote about general life and I really need to start doing it more. I have been so stuck creatively lately and totally forgot that not all my writing has to be poetry, it can just be real!
So what I have I been up to? Not much really. I’d love to have something amazing to write for all my ex boyfriends to read and be jealous of but I really dont. I’m working and going out the odd weekend as per usual, pulling random men but not dating though I did date one of my ex boyfriends for a little bit, didn’t work as most expected but at least it wasn’t because we hurt each other, somethings just aren’t supposed to be. Adulting in relationships is difficult but somehow we managed it! I think its called growth or something.
I’ve lost weight, almost two stone in fact! it feels good to be happier with my body and finally feel sexy again! I feel sexy in my skin, lost weight for myself and it feels good to be on my own though I have my moments, especially when stupid fucking Facebook memories kick me in the balls with Ex boyfriend memories but I have my 5 minutes of ‘what if’ and it passes. I’ve blocked some toxic boys from my life lately, what I dont need is to be lied to about how they feel about me knowing they would do something about it if they truly wanted to ‘run into the sunset’ with me (gross) so they had to go. Gone are most of the dating apps also! they are so draining and toxic and I am determined that if and when I meet my next fella that it wont be through an app! fingers crossed haha.
So yeah, minus the time spent dating my ex, I’ve been single over a year and been on no real dates. Some have accused me of not letting anyone in and being too closed off to find love but it’s not that at all. I have wasted so many years of my life with the wrong men that if I’m really honest with myself have grown to love rather than having that ‘love at first sight’ feeling. I have known so many of them have been wrong for me but stayed hoping for change, I wont do that again. I would rather wait another 10 years and know in my heart that its right when I meet him. I’ve seen men cheat on their lovers and stay in a toxic mess of fake love, marry after a year of being together out of fear of finding no one else. All around me is pure desperation and fear of growing old alone and I get it because that used to be me and yes, secretly I am always searching for that one guy who catches my eye and shares a moment with me, the guy who serves me coffee in Starbucks, the cute guy I bonded with over ugly 90’s trainers in Schuh and even the guy in Waterstones who convinced me to buy a book he was reading that I couldn’t afford! If any of these guys are the one then fantastic! if not? oh well, onwards and upwards.
Right now my life is for living. It’s for ridiculously drunken nights with my friends dancing the night away with beautiful drag queens, kissing beautiful guys that I’ll never know their names and being patient.
Let others make the mistake of mistaking desperation with love, I’m going to do things right this time!