It has been far too long, I know!
Where have I been? I’m really not sure apart from all the wrong places looking at all the wrong faces as usual.
Lately I’ve been busy making a fool of myself by forgetting my own mind and letting boys back in! By this point It is official that I don’t learn. God it felt so nice falling asleep in his arms and feeling his weight on my back but damn did I feel used when he told me he was dating again and the sex had to stop…
What did I expect would happen? We would have sex and just fall back in love like the last two years hadn’t happened? Did I even want him back? Not really, so what the fuck is my problem? Why am I so affected by the news? I think I’m more angry at myself for letting him back into my bed, into my arms and my mind when he hadn’t earnt it, didn’t deserve it though he always was one for getting what he wanted regardless of the affects on others lives and I knew this and I let him and for that I only have myself to blame.
I let him pick me up and drop me, make me cheat, make me taxi around, make me confess that he was always the best, fuck me while biding his time. A nice little slice of cake in between meals.
One thing I have learnt is he no longer knows who I am. I am not the guy he dated two years ago and it was written all over his face the first day I sat in his car. ‘Confident’ he called me, maybe overly so… and yes I am.
I know who I am.
I go out and live my best whiskey covered life with my friends, I come home and throw up on my bedroom floor. I am messy, I am free. I get a thrill from the tattoo needle and smile when people stare. I cry alone and laugh equally as much and I am still looking for love, as much as I like to say I’m not. I am just as lost as I ever was and I let you break my heart over again. I am the same in so many ways but I am changed in more ways than you will ever know or will ever get the chance to.
So this is where I have been and where I still am.