Today I woke up sobbing, I had my first lucid dream of my 30’s.
Trapped inside my dream I couldn’t get out. I was crying for my mum but no one came to help me, I was screaming at times but nothing would come from my mouth, I was being haunted, the room was empty but there was someone against my back holding me down, head facing the door but I couldn’t reach it. I looked to my shoulders and I could see fingers moving, so much weight, so much pressure, terrifying.
I’m 4 days into being 30 and I’ve been drunk for 2 of them, I think that says it all. Its been a rocky start. Balloons still hover in my hall, leftover birthday cake on the kitchen side and my body feels a mess, I even washed my face at the same time as my hands with the hand wash in the kitchen yesterday just to feel more human. I feel like I’ve been walking around in a haze or a fog, trapped going around in circles while my days are stuck on repeat and I know I shouldn’t repeat the past but sometimes I get trapped there too. Trapped in the snow or the forests or by the rivers and the lakes. Trapped in a living room sized ballroom where we still dance in my mind sometimes.
I’m not sure what I expected from my 30’s but so far this isn’t it! I need a change, I need a break and I need to offer forgiveness and let it all go. I think I need to take myself away someplace, maybe go back to Lincoln Yurts for a few days just to be alone, just me, a fire pit and the night sky. Would I prefer to be able to go with someone, absolutely but I guess right now I just need to find myself again because I’m stronger than I am being right now. I am not weak nor should I be hiding from my opportunities of future happiness that I deserve. Time to build a life that is solid and sure. Constant and certain. I need to gather all my blocks and start building a new foundation to rebuild what this year has torn down so far.
So what about love?
Fuck knows if I’m honest. Right now I’m just going to push it to one side, I want love to happen naturally when I’m ready and when he is ready, whoever he turns out to be. I have no expectations anymore when it comes to love, but I am still hopeful.